Rant: Living in America is Being Told What to Do By Cavemen

The weight of the gifts is creating a neck spasm and my only thought is to turn on my laptop and fire up a few tables of online poker.

Easy, peasy, Japaneasy as my not-so-friendly friends used to say to me when I was a kid.

Only it isn’t easy peasy if you live in virtually all of America.

I can hear James Brown screaming in my ear about all-night radios and diners and clusters of naughty neurons suddenly fire images of Ivan Drago and Apollo Creed up in my mind.

“If he dies … he dies.”

Being Told What to Do By Hypocritical Cavemen

Sun, but no online poker.

 

Where was I? Oh yeah … America.

And the rather ridiculous fact the vast majority of the 316 million people who populate the dreamy place can’t play online poker.

I’m talking about the lying, loathsome lawmakers who, for one reason or another, won’t legalize it.

I have been giving America a lot of thought of late. When you grow up in the Maggie Thatcher painted council estates of Stockport and the rain-soaked, grey-skied Welsh Valleys, the prospect of living somewhere where it’s sunny all of the time is quite appealing.

My wife is from California and we will one day live there -- hence the glimmer of stars and stripes that has invaded my mind like a lobotomy piercing knitting needle.

Getting rays on your back is one thing ... but not being able to play online poker? It’s not even the lack of poker that bothers me - it’s being told what to do.

It’s not even the being told what to do that bothers me.

It’s being told what to do by hypocritical caveman who don’t know what they are talking about.

The Evil Act of Sportsbetting

Here’s a classic example of the kind of bollocks that goes down in America.

You know we bet on sports, right?

 

Last month, the Dallas Cowboys played the Jacksonville Jaguars in Wembley Stadium. It was a huge success.

Over 80,000 people crammed into Wayne Rooney’s gaff to watch football being played with an egg; I tuned in to watch the cheerleaders.

Wembley’s NFL games were so successful that talk has emerged of the possibility of a Wembley based team joining the NFL. Or forcing teams to play a certain number of NFL games at Wembley.

Three games have already been announced to take place at the home of English football (soccer to you guys & gals) during 2015.

The NFL is dead against sports betting and its fight to make sure that this 'evil monstrosity' doesn’t permeate their DNA is one of the main reasons Americans can’t legally bet on an NFL game in most parts of America.

But it’s ok for NFL teams to travel to the UK and play despite those crazy Brits taking the evil act of sports betting into their bosom.

Fantasy Sports Sexed Up More Than Dallas Cowgirls

Don’t get me started on Fantasy Sports betting.

The same leaders that believe sportsbetting will destroy the NFL, NBA, NHL and MLB glorify Fantasy Sports betting on their webpages.

It’s sexed up more than those Dallas Cowgirls I saw shaking their tail at me during that Wembley game that made me want to slide down a razor blade using my balls as brakes.

This geezer.

 

Fantasy Sports is legal and promoted heavily. Sportsbetting is treated like a leper in a lift.

If you want to do your bollocks, and the only option you have is Daily Fantasy Sports betting, take it from a gambling addict - that will do quite fine thank you very much.

It’s the same with that Las Vegas Sands geezer.

The man who has made billions by taking money from people who walk into his premises and drop their mortgage money on his roulette wheel suddenly believes that the same form of gambling carried out online is akin to sucking Satan’s cock.

What's the Purpose of Even Voting?

Then you have Harry Reid. The man who declared that him and his good friend, Sheldon Adelson, never mix politics within the confines of their friendship.

Every election goes to the one with the most money.

 

To be fair, I have no right to suggest that the only reason Harry Reid is supporting Adelson is because he wants a chunk of his change - I mean, I don’t even know the man.

But I do know this: During my run this morning, whilst I listened intently to Russell Brand talking about his Revolution, I learned that every single American election since the dawn of time went to the party that had the most money.

What does that tell you about America? What is the purpose of even voting?

I wouldn’t even bother. I would just stay at home playing online poker.

Oh, I nearly forgot … you’re not allowed.